This is a story for anyone thinking about quitting. Things get really difficult, but you aren't alone. Let's keep going.
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2019 was a year of internal confrontation.
After an unexpected small success, I thought my career and work would grow and move upwards. That didn't really happen. It stagnated instead. When you have the passion, the skills, and the time to work on projects that excite you, it's incredibly disheartening to constantly see an inbox filled with "no".
Eventually, I hit a wall. I concluded I wasn't cut out for being a composer, let alone a freelance one. I picked up a part-time job doing things I didn't care about, but I was happy to have money coming. After a couple months of failing to pay me, the job let me go. I was right back where I started before I could even get off the ground.
I did absolutely nothing for months. I never touched my instruments. I didn't even try to create. I quite literally sat on my couch all day, distracting myself with videos. I had even quit social media, and my partner was away at work all day. I felt very useless and was very alone.
Ironically, some of the videos and podcasts I was numbing myself with wound up striking a chord. I discovered I was very interested in board games, and, for the first time since childhood, I had an actual hobby. This is probably when things first began turning around. I was feeling excited about something again.
It took a while and some more encouragement, but I was feeling motivated to create again. I started journaling every day, and it helped in ways I never expected. Physically writing out my thoughts made me realize that many of my struggles were a result of feeling trapped in my own head. I never felt like I could never properly think about things, but journaling allowed that to happen. It broke the walls of whatever dam was holding all those thoughts back, and I could finally see what was going on inside.
I started making music again. It sounded good, and was even making a little money. I let the work back into my days slowly, being careful not to overwhelm myself, and making sure I could keep consistent with what I was doing. There were still lots of ups and downs, but I felt like I was succeeding again.
All of the songs in this album were made at various points in this story. Much like with the first Candids album, they were all made without a plan. Some of them didn't want to be made, and had to be forced out. They're raw and unpolished, but the existence of each one is important and represents a small victory in a very difficult journey.
I'm sharing these songs as a sort of time capsule, but also as a way of showing that all of us struggle.
Thanks for reading and listening. Let's lift each other up.